Back in January I made the decision to stop writing. I gave
up; retired. It was a relief. Writing (or failing to get my novel what I wanted
it to be) had begun to make me really unhappy.
I thought about why I’d begun writing a novel in the first
place. It was something I’d always wanted to do but like so many people, I only
talked and thought about doing it. Then one day, I stumbled across a blog that
invited anyone writing a novel to join a race for support and camaraderie. It
wasn’t easy but it made me happier than unhappy.
I have a not-so-secret confession which people rarely
believe - I don’t have any burning desire to publish. I wanted to write the
best book I could just for the sake of it. There’s something about the process of writing (and making art or
craft, come to that) that does it for me. And having to turn my creation out
for anyone’s scrutiny (publication or exhibition) brings me out in hives.
And so I did write a novel: 107,000 words of story, a
beginning, a middle and an end. Most people spend their lives saying they want
to and never do it. I did it and I should be proud of that.
Over the five years that I’ve been writing I’ve had breaks
from it; periods of laziness or frustration and even though I’ve longed to give
up, I haven’t been able to stop; not completely anyway. There has always been
something inside that I identified as a need to write. However miserable it
made me I had to continue to do it.
Two months ago, for the first time in four or five years, I
felt as though I had a choice. I don’t know what had changed, except perhaps
that the unhappiness outweighed the pleasure and I felt as though I’d been
released from something and that I could
stop writing. It was liberating. There was some grief too but mostly there was
relief.
I began to attend jewellery-making classes instead. I feel
that making uses a totally different part of my brain from writing (although
maybe it doesn’t or shouldn’t) but when I draw or make I go to a place where
nothing intrudes. I struggled to find that place in writing… I’m going to come
back and tell you about the jewellery course tomorrow but here’s the funny
thing:
I have begun to think about my next writing project.
