On Reflection

Hmmm; time to reflect, eh? I’m starting 2008 at the beginning of the same story that I was starting at the beginning of 2007. I could be unkind to myself and say it feels a bit like Groundhog Day or I could acknowledge that my achievements are subtle, but accomplishments nonetheless.

This time last year I was skulking around Kate H’s blog, harbouring a desire to write. I’d nursed this want for years, having started and aborted several secret manuscripts. At the inception of the Novel Racers, I still lurked, until one day in a small voice, I emailed Kate and asked her if I could join in.

Blogging with the Novel Racers (and other writers who’ve blogged alongside) has been a wonderful experience on so many levels. You’ve plugged a hole I had in writing friends. You’ve supported me through my many wobbles. You’ve given me friendship, advice, encouragement, made me laugh and cry, and shared your achievements and disappointments.

I’ve seen a determination in myself to do this that I don’t think I’ve had for other things. Despite not getting it right over this last year I am not giving up. I have had moments where I’ve thought I may, but eventually emerging from those wobbles has been a determination to keep trying. That must mean something.

Somewhere in my brain has always been a firm belief that I am not creative; that I have no imagination. It’s true I was brought up to believe I was the academic one, and my sister was the creative one, but since doing my fine art degree I know that that’s not the truth. A combination of growing confidence with writing articles and the fine art degree experience have made me realise that it’s simply a question of overwriting those messages. I understand how to make decisions about a piece of art; I don’t yet know how to do that with fiction but I do believe that the more I do it the more likely it is I will get there. I have faith that practice, practice, desire and more practice, I will begin to understand how to do this. My experience with creative writing is totally in its infancy.

I’ve always said I was only racing with myself and I still believe that. I’m also firmer than ever that my goal right now is not publishing (I know some people will doubt that) but having recognised how heinously difficult the whole process of writing a book is, I just want to be able write a novel of which I am proud. IF I ever manage that, I am sure that I will want to think about an agent, publishing blah blah blah, but that’s way off still and definitely not my primary goal.

2007 Achievements:

I’ve learned to say out loud ‘I want to write’
I posted my first ever short story into the public domain.
I showed people some of my writing.
I showed JULIA BELL my first crappy attempt at fiction. I survived the feedback.
I’ve started, stalled; started again and stalled again, and I’m still going to try again.
I’ve developed faith in the process of practise.

My 2008 writing goals are to:

Keep practising.
Do my morning pages while the children are getting ready for school.
Restart WIP in 3rd person.
Learn to make decisions about WIP plot and characters.
Be brave and send Julia my first re-written chapter one.
Aim to do a dedicated writing course in the summer 2008.

200th Post

I'm back in Bangkok and feeling terrible. Not because I've left Koh Chang or Skyros, although we did toy with me staying one more week...

But because I'm sick; I've got tonsils the sized of tennis balls in my throat, and I can't swallow without serious face-pulling wincing going on. I'm unable to make a full dose of paracetamol last so I have to take nurofen in between doses. I'm so sick I don't want to go out ... that's very sick for me.

I've watched three videos though. Music and Lyrics: total cheese. I know it's terrible, but hello? it's not meant to be serious. I thought it was utterly hilarious - I lived through the New Romantics as a teenager so I was right there with those dodgy haircuts and I don't even want to think about what I wore to non uniform day! Also, it's a dirty confession I know, but I do like Hugh Grant. I do. There I said it on my blog: I LIKE HUGH GRANT - I think he's cute.

Then I pushed the standards up a bit and watched Iris: absolutely brilliant, but I must have a heart of stone because I didn't cry. (This is very weird because I watched 'Cutting It' on the TV in between and I cried at Allie's funeral! I barely know who Allie is and I certainly don't know any of the other characters, but still I wept!)

Finally we watched The Truman Show. I've started this movie at least three times, and always fallen asleep before the half way mark. HURRAH, I finally watched the end. The film is a tad scary though: so possible.

I'm off for another dose of paracetamol, Saturday (Ian McEwan) and my bed now.

Hello! Ok! Just for Pacha

She was a long way away, so it's a tad blurry.



Then she and her entourage came and sat near me on the sofa. I tried to look cool while I took surreptitious pictures of their shoes. I developed a theory while looking that the more important the girl, the higher the heels. I am certain that I'm right...

'Allo allo allo

There were 7 or 8 uniformed policemen in reception when I came in to breakfast on Boxing Day but because it was the day that most of the Skyros group were leaving, I instantly forgot to ask why they were there.

Saying goodbye to everyone was sad and horrible, but I’m meeting some again in Bangkok when I get back, (Husband came down on Christmas Eve so we’re staying for a few more days) and I’m fairly sure I will stay in touch with some.

Since the boat sped them away I’ve been sitting in reception checking out the blogs I’ve missed recently and catching up on emails (several important ones had disappeared into my junk folder – bummer.)

Previously intent on my laptop, I was suddenly aware that the lobby was immensely busy and when I looked up all the policemen were pacing around looking important, hands hovering over their guns. Beyond the tier of policemen were bystanders, and further away again were a group of girls, one of whom was wearing a silver crown and vertiginous heels.

I watched fascinated by this OK/Hello Magazine scene in front of me. Eventually, unable to resist it, I took some photos. All the hotel staff had their photos taken with her and many of the other resort guests (no way was I standing next to this gorgeous 6ft 8” slender beauty). She was lovely and smiled patiently through all the requests for photos. Eventually she and her entourage disappeared, and I was able to ask someone who she was: Miss Thailand! Oooh, am I mixing with the stars?

Julia says ... Part II

I’d like to say Happy Holidays to everyone: not because I’m being politically correct but because I didn’t manage to get online to make it a timely Christmas wish to you all. I appear to have missed Christmas. I phoned home, blinked and it was gone.

I’ve now caught up with all my favourite blogs, but left very few messages – normal service will be resumed in the New Year.

Julia read the last of my manuscript (gulp). It was horrible to hand over something that I know was so rough and flawed (I’d stalled so often) but it was essential as she has pinpointed exactly why I keep stalling.

A couple of points:

• I’ve made Bangkok my main character … when it has to be in the background and the characters in the foreground.
• I still haven’t made decisions about plot … this is so pathetic because I’ve known this all along, but hoped the subconscious writing fairy would come and put it right. She won’t. The bitch hasn’t shown up, so now I’ve got to do it.
• It was too episodic – I wrote it in episodes because I had no idea where or how to decide where the plot was going.
• I need to think about containing it in time. Again, I knew I was confused about this. Months and months ago I’d printed out a grid to fill in a time plot, but guess what? With no decisions about plot, I couldn’t do it!

I felt a bit wobbly after all this, despite the fact that I knew lots of it. After our meeting, I went somewhat shakily on a trip to a mangrove forest. Lovely M kept asking me if I was okay. Yes I told him, yes, fine. I was wearing my sunglasses and staring out of the minibus window.

Of course, I didn’t think of any of the good things she said (there weren’t any in my mind at that time). I wondered about giving up – no wonder I found it so hard – I was crap and didn’t know what I was doing. I’d spent a year trying to write a book, and I still needed to start back at the beginning. I don’t know what I’m doing still …

I went off in a boat along the mangrove waterways. I’d wangled my way into the last boat with co-Skyros folk, but not those I’d become friends with, so I didn’t need to chat. I had a little think, and fought off some tears. I didn’t have any moment of clarity or anything but after the trip, I bought a diet coke and the group pottered about before getting back on our minibus. I sat back down in my seat in the rear by the window, and I suddenly felt okay again. I felt fairly cheerful; reasonably optimistic and ready to give it another go.

So the good things were: good, very naturalistic dialogue; lots of interesting BACKgrounds; fascinating subject matter because I’ve done something interesting; I can write; she likes my style; I write clearly without trying to be over clever.

And, bless the lovely Julia… she says I can email her my rewritten chapter one!!!

Julia says

Julia Bell's got my manuscript. *holds breath*

I met with her tonight and she'd read section one.

She didn't say 'Don't give up your day job.'

She said I could write; she liked my style.

She said I was right: I've started in the wrong place.

She said when I re-start I should change to the third person.

She's going to read some more tomorrow morning and we'll talk again.

*Holding breath*


Sent via BlackBerry® from AIS

*sigh* and *gulp*

Hmmm; s'difficult decision I've made.

I'm here in the resort, all on my lonesome. Half the group have gone out snorkelling and half have gone to another beach on the island. Of course, I could've gone to either, but I didn't want to after four/five days of courses:

• 0715 Yoga (Okay, I only made two of those!)
• 0900 Breakfast and Demos meeting for whole group
• 0930 Oekos Group (five of us meet to ... talk)
• 1045 Free the Creative Spirit class
• 1315 Lunch
• Free until ...
• 1700 Ayurveda Class (I'm tridoshic, for anyone in the know, according to the results, but towards the Kapha according to the 'Master'.)
• 1930 Dinner and more talking.

Anyway, to the point ... today while alone, I've done some thinking about my book. I know that there are lots of people out there who are going to tell me not to do this, but I've made the decision that I am putting aside the words I've written so far ... to yes, start again.

There's not going to be a sacrificial burning or deletion of any kind going on so it's quite possible that a couple of thousand may reappear at some later date as a flashback. But while I have finally decided that the incident which drops my characters in the quagmire is the start of the book, there has to be a cut in time of three months. The 24,000 words I've already written is those three months *sigh*. It's not part of the story and that's maybe why it bores me. It's drivel; it's not relevant and it's gotta go.

So I guess that means I'm starting my ms from scratch for the Novel Race 2007... *gulp*