To Do List

I've had one of those days today. It's all last minute stuff before I FLY TO THE UK TONIGHT.

The morning I spent at the hospital without an appointment waiting to see the doctor to give me Thyroxine prescription. They wouldn't give it to me without being seen by him despite the fact that I could, should I wish to, buy the medicine over the counter in Thailand. I only had to wait two hours... Carol, bless her, came with me.

For some reason, not even I'm aware of, I HAVE to update my ipod with all the things I'm almost certain not to listen to while I'm away. I have to do this ... even though I put money on the fact that I won't even put my earplugs to my ears for the next six weeks! I am still doing this... as I type.

I had to pack. Tick.

I had to do my words. Tick. I wrote 135 which was deeply disatisfying as I barely felt I'd got started - but that feeling is great. I celebrate that feeling most wonderously. Writing fiction used to feel a great big hurdle I couldn't manage, then I started the 100 words a day and slowly I've begun to enjoy writing again. I shall continue to aim only for 100 words as from tomorrow I will be knackered after my flight, but with the faith that I will want to write more as I return to normal. Faith and fiction haven't appeared together for me, for a very long time.

Next time I blog I will be in the UK. 'See' you all soon.

Recovery

Oh there’s no pulling the wool over your eyes, eh?

“I think the plan is to gather information now, find out who the characters are, and then write, write, write over July while I’m in England.”

No, you say, get on and write now. Caught procrastinating again!

*****
I’m reading ‘Floor Sample: a creative memoir’ by Julia Cameron. Yes, THAT Julia Cameron: Julia ‘Morning Pages’ Cameron, whose ‘artist date’ is an essential for when the well feels empty. Flicking through The Artist’s Way in my final year of my fine art degree rescued me from a horrible and lingering ‘I can’t do this’ crisis.

I’m about two thirds through it and I really can’t put it down. She’s fascinating. Brought up a catholic she sought “a personal God … I wanted a God as intense and personal as my spiritual questioning. I wanted a God who just plain liked me.” She had a doomed marriage to Martin Scorsese – doomed essentially because she was an undiagnosed alcoholic and admits “I confused alcoholism with creativity.” She got sober (of course it wasn’t as easy as I’m suggesting) and draws parallels between reliance on a higher power working to help bring sobriety as well as helping to bring other things, such as ideas. Told by her sober alcoholic friends to consider God her new employer, she should appeal to Him for ideas.

Now I don’t have a faith – not a religious faith at all – but I am aware that faith … in myself or my ability or something - is crucial to being able to write or make art. I guess you could call it ‘confidence’ or ‘self belief’ but I don’t, it’s most definitely faith – I have pretty much zero confidence in my creativity. I think it’s also the subconscious rather than an external being (not that God has to be external – maybe that’s why He’s different for everyone) but it’s made me think harder about asking for help for the things I want to solve.

It’s also made me realise that ‘on flicking through The Artist’s Way’ isn’t really good enough. I am going to try to do the twelve weeks course from start to finish.

Update

It’s about time I reported on the progress of novel number two, which is probably going to be novel number one in terms of the writing order.

A little while after I announced here that the characters were materializing inside my head and holding their own conversations, they disappeared. Perhaps they were shy or just a bit pissed off that I’d broadcast their appearance. I had a mild panic at their departure, tried to conjure them and then spent a few days thinking about giving up. I mean, really properly giving up.

See, I’ve got this writing course coming up, at the end of September that Husband is willing for me to go on, it’s not cheap and I feel it’s for serious writers. I don’t want to waste money. If I can’t make myself write fiction … what is the point of doing the course? What is the point if I want to write fiction but I cannot actually do it? I keep reading on the blogs that people are finishing drafts and making progress, and I wonder why you are all putting up with me. Why haven’t I been asked to relinquish my Novel Racer place to somebody more serious?

I am writing my blog and I’m writing my regular and one off articles but it’s still not enough. If I think about not writing the fiction I spontaneously weep. It appears I cannot give up which is rather a good thing, given I don’t think there is another thing in the world I want to do!

And then somewhere along the line, the cast of characters reappeared in my head. So now I am furiously scribbling notes, I’m reading well and I’m sort of hoping it’s going to be okay. I think the plan is to gather information now, find out who the characters are, and then write, write, write over July while I’m in England.

Quietly optimistic

Oooh, I have to report … tentatively … that I am rather excited about my story.

I feel a tiny little bit of faith appearing. I noticed it when I responded to yesterday’s comments and I reported here that I didn’t yet have it for writing yet.

But well … I am enjoying myself; I’m feeling my characters.

OMG.

Making

Friday’s post was well received – thank you. My subconscious went off and dredged up something that I had all but forgotten about.

This is a piece of work I did at the beginning of my final year at Art College. It was photographed by the hugely talented Kris Emmerson, who doubled as a student and technician while I was doing my degree (he went off to the Royal College of Art when he finished his BA).

We had to produce a piece of work to go into some promotional material for our degree show, or the website or something.

And guess what? I was having a creative crisis. This was, though I joke, extremely serious and a horribly bad time to have it. The work for the degree show is hugely important if you want to go on exhibiting, applying for MAs etc. It requires extensive research and development so that the result is as good as it can get. I was fairly certain that I didn’t want to continue – though I loved doing the degree – but I have always been a perfectionist and I wanted to do as well as I could. (Ha, that’s a mature student for you!)

This creative crisis was proper block. I don’t use the word very easily these days because having been there I don’t want to make light of what I experienced. I’ve had all sorts of ‘I’m bored /not motivated/think this stinks’ moments but this block was close to depression (yes, I’ve had that too, so I can make that statement.) For the first time in my life I got close to understanding what faith really meant, and I only knew it because it had gone. In fact I didn’t know I’d had it, until it had gone. It wasn’t a religious faith – it was a faith in myself; my ability and my process.

I couldn’t have told you faith was crucial to my process and ability to make art. I suspect it’s got something to do with writing too, but I’m not sure I’ve been doing that long enough to know if I have it or not. It’s close to confidence (I am SO NOT confident in my creative ability) but not the same thing either.

It’s interesting (to me) because my story is about faith (the non religious type) and I think may have been identified to me as part of my crisis in my last year at art college. So, anyway, I produced this for the promotional photo, and it is very quintessentially me; my work.

And no wonder really that the basket picture on Friday reminded me of my sculpture work. Now I’ve gone and done it, and posted some stuff I’ve made, I thought I might post some more too. Watch this space.