Friends

I posted about this once before; it was my second ever post and I didn’t have any readers then, so I’ll just link here to it.

I’ve been thinking about this friendship thing for sometime. It was nerve wracking moving to Bangkok (for a billion reasons) but making friends was one of the things high on my list to worry about.

I don’t exactly come across as shy – in fact, those that have met me will say ‘no, no, you’re not shy…’ so it has come to my notice over the years that people interpret it as something else entirely. I think it’s just plain shyness, I come from a family of extroverts, but I need time to grow relaxed with people. Clearly though, it isn’t always the way other’s read me.

Once when I was a new first year at university (the first time) I was chatting to a girl called Carole in her room. There was a knock at the door and another first year girl, Michelle, put her head around the door and said “I’m pleased you’re both here.” She then proceeded to tell us exactly what ‘everyone’ in our halls of residence, thought of us.

I was ‘snobbish, unapproachable and formidable’. (Gee, thanks Michelle, I so needed to know all that). I realized later and know now with complete conviction that the problem here was Michelle’s, but still, I’ve let ‘formidable’ haunt me for years, and I still worry that lots of people see me that way.

So I talked in that early post about my anxiety about how to make friends, but although I didn’t feel my natural habitat was a women’s group, I have found friends there.

Then a few months ago, I met a woman at bookcrossing, and she asked about the group I belong to. Rather than go to a big expat women do, I said I’d organize a night out with a couple of lovely women I knew. I invited four or five women, and I asked them to each invite another lovely woman so it would expand my social group too. It’s become informally known as the lovely women or lovely ladies (I prefer woman to lady!) and it’s a different group, though overlapping sometimes, to the women’s group.

Then, of course, there are the bloggers who have to be counted among my friends, not just because I’ve met some of you, but because you have become a hugely important part of my life. Although it’s happening in some new-fangled cyberspace way, (with 6,000 miles of real distance) you are my friends; you are providing the service that real live friends do and for that I am grateful, and I wanted to say thank you.

Bangkok at night: shepherds' delight...

Bangkok in the morning: shepherds' warning

Until I moved to Bangkok I’d never lived in a city. I had lived for a year in London, but at only an hour from my parents’ house in the Weald of Kent, I punctuated my London life with regular(ish) weekends home.

Since husband and I got together (was there a time when we weren’t together?) we always lived close to the countryside – small towns or big villages. We’ve lived close by the sea twice. Before we moved to Thailand we lived in a valley with lovely hills in the background. I think this might be why I sometimes need to get away from the concrete here in Bangkok and find some wilderness.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m loving life in the city. I love the variety of places to eat, things to do, bars to go to and the immediateness of everything in Bangkok. I’m not conscious of needing to get out, but getting away or down to the river improves my mental wellbeing. Sometimes I just need to feed myself views that aren’t concrete or brick.

This is why I have to go to the Chao Phraya River. I can get a river taxi for a few pence and ride up and down the river, pulling over at designated ‘stops’. It’s clear to me that we’re still in a city, but it’s a wide open expanse of water and unpredictable. I love the movement of the river taxis: they whiz along a bit too fast, and you’re not quite sure if you’re going to be sprayed with water… And there’s air rushing past you which is all too uncommon in this tropical heat.

And, I think it may be why I’ve taken to gazing at the sky. Starting with Teddy and Dog, here, I think I’m hunting for landscape in the sky. I’ve had a worrying desire to post pictures of clouds, but stopped myself for fear of … well, appearing barking bonkers

But bonkers or not, these are some of my recent mornings. I get the kids up for school at 5.45am, yes, that’s right: 5.45am.

I see dawn in Bangkok every morning as they get ready for the school bus; I wonder and marvel at the shapes of its beautiful landscape, the hues, and then I go back to bed to sleep until it’s really morning.

Uppy and Downiness

I’ve had an uppy and downy kind of week:

Wibbly wobbly Monday when Daughter started secondary; I thought I’d fixed the website, but it turned out there were still problems that made me want to jump out of my 25th floor condo window.

Much cheerier Tuesday when Daughter came home with excellent Sats results and Son had a successful day at school too.

Inexplicably joyful Wednesday when my Chao Praya River trip cleared my head of … of, well, whatever it is that makes me think too much; Daughter got selected to train with swimming team at school for six weeks to see if she can get her speeds up; and in which son VOLUNTARILY did homework.

Very sociable Thursday, in which I went to coffee morning (expat style), lunched with lovely friends, and then out in the evening with other, different lovely friends (including a new girl (hello A). Had to have a modicum of self control regarding my gin consumption, however, as I had website in the morning. (Not to mention waitress, Khun Reiki, suggesting telling Husband about gin guzzling – Hmm, like he hasn’t noticed!)

Very successful Friday in which I (wish I could say, ‘single handedly’) fixed the problems with the website; in which I realized (along with Website Guru ‘Andrew Computer’) that I REMEMBERED THINGS ABOUT DREAMWEAVER AND CSS AND TECHNICAL STUFF AFTER BEING SHOWN ONCE HOW TO DO IT. We were both proud of me.

Underlying all these uppy downy emotions is the ‘writing’ thing again.

I am:

- Worried my book is boring
- Is aimless
- That I really don’t know what I’m doing

However, being uppier today, I’ve decided it’s a first draft and if it’s boring and aimless I will make it Not, when I’ve finished the first draft. That sometimes not knowing what you are doing is good: do what you feel. Maybe it will lead to something exciting. If I follow all the Rules of Writing, then I may restrict my creativity. This may be all crap, but if it gets me writing again, that’s okay.

Feeling cheerier

Thank you lovely blog friends for your comments and emails. Here are some cheerful Thai pictures to show I am feeling happier.

Tomorrow I am going to the Chao Phraya river which reminds me why I love Bangkok.

See you soon.

Wibbly Wobbly

I am feeling very wibbly wobbly today.

My 'baby' started secondary school today ... It is, most definitely, the end of an era (and the start of a new one) and I feel... strange, a bit weepy for some reason.

I didn't do that weepy number when they went to nursery and started school, so it must be my turn to be fragile now.

I think it's because I know I have to plan for my future now.

However, I know what I want to do, but ... what if it doesn't work out?

Wisdom on a Bag

Another JJ theory

Once upon a time, before I had children, I was lying on the sofa, dozing.

Music was playing quietly in the background and husband was in the chair by the window doing a crossword puzzle.

I was in that lovely state between awake and asleep...

Husband cuts into my thoughts with a question for his crossword: 'Who was the last king of Rome?'

'Tarquin' I say.

A few minutes pass, and after a fight between my subconscious and my conscious, I sit up.

'Was that right?' I ask.

'Yes. Why?'

'Because I didn't know I knew that.'

Now, some of you may know from here that I have a Classics degree, so maybe it isn't all that unusual that I know who the last king of Rome was. But, as you will also see there, I am so crap at ancient history (cos I specialised in literature), that my husband is petitioning for me to give my degree certificate back to the university. The point was that I didn't know that I knew who the last king of Rome was.

Now, so here comes the theory bit: If only I could spend my life perpetually half asleep, I think I might be rather intelligent.

JJ's other astounding theories can be found here and here.